Missing Something?

So, the other day, I lost my wallet. It went missing, which is very embarrassing when you're in a situation where you think you have it, like say... after walking into a bar "knowing" you have proper identification, or after sitting through an entire meal at a restaurant ready with cash or a credit card to pay the bill but then you go to whip out your brown leather billfold and all you get is an empty pocket. It times like these that I freak out. Three possibilities could be the reason my wallet is missing...

1. someone picked my pocket

2. I left it in my other pants

3. Sock Gnomes

Now, I know what you're thinking, dont sock gnomes only take interest in socks, hence the name? While socks are the primary fetish for this type of gnome, they have also been known to take undergarments, car keys, cellphones, and even people (Jimmy Hoffa is still missing). So, it would not be a far stretch for sock gnomes to branch out and start theiving wallets.

The clever television show South Park made the sock gnome phenomenon famous with their episode on the underpants gnomes. Underpants apparently are funnier than socks. I beg to differ.

Check these out! Now that's comedy! Sock Creatures! Holy Moly! What

a hobby! I need to learn how to sew. Can you do that with underwear? Heck no. Well, wait... This is a little funny. But other than that, underwear is either sexy, or gross. Pantyraids are fun though (not that I've ever participated in anything like that... that would be irresponsible and childish).

In case you don't know what Sock Gnomes are, let me sum up: according to Dr. Grant McDonald, foremost expert in mythical stocking evanescence, defines Sock Gnomes thusly, "Sock gnomes are mythical creatures that pilfer socks. The loss of which only becomes apparent at the exact instant that one really really needs to find them." McDonald's close associates, Helen and Elizabeth go further to specify that sock gnomes try and take only left socks. This theory has not been proven to be true 100% of the time however. More research is required.

Over on the Arduous Blog, she contemplates the uses for "orphaned socks" left behind by these pilfering little kleptos. The list includes iPod case, quarters pouch, paper towels, sock puppets (see? it IS funny), and she mentions giving them to OneSmallStep. So, of course, I had to know what OneSmallStep was. Apparently it is a Christian Mission that collects "new and used" socks for the less fortunate. Good plan, except used socks are kind of gross. I would suggest donating a few bucks by buying a package of new socks. There is no punchline here, really, kids need to be wearing socks in any weather, but especially in winter.

Why do Sock Gnomes steal socks?

If no one wants used socks (ew), what do they do with a bunch of mismatched socks? I cant see any practical application for a stockpile of stolen socks, aside from some sort of collective weirdo sock fetish, there seems to be no good reason. Maybe they found a way to turn socks into energy, and therefore power their little gnome universe. Doc Brown found a way to power his time machine with garbage. Im sure little bearded men with pointy hats can turn mismatched socks into fuel. This energy plan has become problematic though, it turned their whole society into thieves, relying on human beings for their energy needs. Kind of like how the United States is dependent on the Middle East, Canada, and Argentina for their energy needs. Wow, I found a contemporary real life connection to current events. I'm amazing!

In closing, I did find my wallet, it was in my other pants.