Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Science!


ANGRY WORDS FROM A GNOME WHO TO THIS DAY CONTINUES TO THINK THE HUMAN GENOME PROJECT WAS ACTUALLY THE HUMAN GNOME PROJECT

By David Ng
It’s hard to believe that 17 years ago the Human Gnome Project formally began. It was quite frankly a great day for all of us gnomes as we thought we had finally gained the attention and respect we deserved as a community. But 17 years later, we as a community are disappointed, angry, full of resentment, and still addicted to nicotine.
To our knowledge, of the roughly $3 billion worth of research funds given to the human gnome initiative, none of it ever actually went to fund “gnome” research. Instead, a sizable portion went to human research, and in an apparent slap in the face to my kindred, significant amounts also went towards research looking at bacterial, yeast, worm, fly, and mouse genetics. Suffice to say, that with the exception of humans, these are all organisms that do not smoke. To say that this has been hard on my community is an understatement of vast proportions. Apart from the soaring lung-cancer rates, I find I am continually aware of other lost opportunities the money could have been used towards.
For instance, for whatever reason, we as a race are forever doomed by our incessant need to wear pointy hats. I hate my stupid hat—loath it with a passion. And yet I have to wear it. We all do. Why this is so has been mystery for many an age. Maybe that’s why I go through 70 grams of tobacco each day. And whilst pointy hats are fine for garden work (one of our main sources of economic recovery), they are hardly advantageous in the current global market—especially when first impressions play a key role. Surely, there is an underlying neurological basis for this behavior—a basis that science could have elucidated.
And what about our facial hair? Believe me, it is not because we are particularly fond of our beards. It’s not even because tobacco pipes look cooler in this context. Our beards just happen to grow at amazingly fast rates! This is not such a huge issue with me and the other male gnomes, but my poor wife actually has to shave every 45 minutes or else deal with social harassment (and trust me, you definitely don’t want to look at her legs or armpits). This is also compounded by the fact that services, like laser hair removal or electrolysis, are just too expensive, especially on a gardener’s income. Ironically, the only gnomes who could possibly afford these high tech solutions are the few who have made it into Hollywood where maintaining the typecast “bearded” look is required anyway. Furthermore, even when a hairless gnome is needed on a movie set (e.g., Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise), we still get passed over because of our goddamn pointy hats! I bet $3 billion could have sorted this problem out a long time ago.
But if there was ever a strong case for gnome research, you only need to look at my poor Uncle Bill. This unlucky bastard of a gnome must have some bladder problem or something, since he is (no exaggeration) urinating constantly. Seriously, I don’t think he’s even had a chance to put his penis away since he started 14 years ago! And the truth of the matter is that this particular problem is relatively rampant in my circles. Most start off fishing, and then they feel the urge and then whammo! It’s like a disease. I don’t think it’s too difficult to appreciate the magnitude of this medical condition. Aside from the psychological pain endured, imagine how uncomfortable it must be to leave it “out” constantly in all manner of weather conditions. I don’t care if you are the gardener type— when it’s cold, it’s cold! Plus, it makes smoking a pipe tricky.
Anyway, I’m not here to preach endlessly about our problems. I just here to say I want a fair piece of the action. If the project is called the Human Gnome Project, then it only makes sense that at least some of the money should go towards gnome research—right?
O.K., I’ve said my piece. I really have to go outside now to smoke my pipe—stupid human nicotine patch, piece-of-crap waste of money …



Saturday, December 24, 2011

Its a small world after all....


Physics Doesnt Exist, It's all About the Gnomes is an article that explains the universe and everything.  Pretty funny.  I knew reality was too good to be true.  All those conspiracy weirdos are right!  Most articles on the Uncyclopedia are lame, but not this one!

My favorite parts are the explanation of matter...  "occassionally gnomes get so excited they catch on fire.  That's what we call plasma", and ecognomics, which brings up the underpants gnomes.

Clearly a great article to read.  Do it.  Laugh a little.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Gnomes in Foster Care?

This is part two of my old gnome-themed news stories, I guess.

This one is from Australia in 2009. Apparently this old lady died, leaving 1500 "small cement people" homeless. Of course, throwing all of these lawn ornaments into a landfill was inexcusable and there was a rescue organized to place all of these gnomes with enthusiasts. The complete article is linked here.

Not only is the story entertaining, but the people quoted in the story use Australian slang, which is awesome. And judging from this photo, they couldn't just show up and cart the gnomes away... they had to dress up like weirdo gnome cultists.


There are other cool things that this article brings to light.

The first is that there is an Australian Gnome Convention held every year, sponsored by The Rotary Club of the Lower Blue Mountains.

Secondly, there is a Gnome Master.  His name, apparently, is Trevor. He has an email. It's posted on the website. He looks like this -->




Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I think practical jokes are funny

I came across this today.  I know its from 2008, so it is a bit dated, but still it is pretty funny.



The headline from the SUN is priceless: "Creepy Gnome Back on the Prowl".

Fox News reported on it also, but their headline is as follows:

"Little Person Dressed as Gnome Caught on Video Stalking Streets of Argentina Town"

Basically, from what I gather, a little person in Argentina is dressing up in a pointed hat and scaring the locals so bad that they have to hospitalized. Let me repeat that...  scared the locals so much they had to be hospitalized. I find this incredibly funny. A little person, probably the most unintimidating individual ever, has scared the populace into seeking health care by just walking around dressed like a gnome.

Wee Man never scared people like that. Usually when he tries to scare people, he ends up in the ER.  This dude is pretty awesome. Also, there is something to be said here of superstition, and about how after hundreds of years of growth, advancement, and technology, human beings are still scared of the dark.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Gnome Wedgies? I'm Sold!

Mindlessly roaming the internet is the best way to find random gnome themed stuff. I've found nearly everything for this blog by wasting time on the web. This post is no exception. This time it's a gnome themed board game. The title on it's own is enough to make it an irresistible purchase. Oh Gnome you Don't from Gut Bustin' Games appears as a Candy Land upgrade. Although I've not played it, I'm tempted.


The review gives a basic idea of what the game is about, although the reviewer is not very accepting of mindless board games. Sometimes mindless, easy games like Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, and Mouse Trap are fun. I'd rather play those than mindlessly wade through the internet. I guess my point is sometimes simple is good.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Folklore and the Wizard of Oz

 I have no idea why I find folklore and mythologies so interesting. I also enjoy drawing things, but I'm not that talented, so I draw simple things, small scale thumbnail stuff for my own enjoyment. For awhile (since perhaps high school literature class) I've found myth family trees to be pretty cool. Recently, I put together an illustrated Greek myth family tree.  And then I did a tree for Norse myth too.  I wont post pictures for two reasons: 1.  I dont think they're very good, and 2. my camera wouldn't do my bad art any justice. (actually I did post pictures)

Anyway, I didn't plan on writing about Mythological family trees. But I felt this was a good segue to explain my affinity for myth and folklore, of which gnomes belong. I wrote a bit about this kind of stuff before. I found some other cool things with regards to the folklore gnome history.

Gnomes, or gnome-like creatures, pop up all over Europe folklore with a variety of names, much like elves and fairies. The Swiss call their gnome people the Barbegazi, which rhymes with fugazi, which I find amusing. Due to the climate of Switzerland, this particular kind of gnome has large hairy snowshoe-like feet that can be used to ski. I picture a hobbit-like thing in a winter climate.  They apparently do not come down from the tree-line very often, and legends surrounding the capture of this creature leads to its death shortly after leaving the mountains.

Apparently folklore is all about assigning royalty to groups of mythical creatures. Oberon, the king of fairies, pops up all over the place, including Shakespeare.  King Brian of the Leprechauns is a character in Darby O Gill books by Kavanaugh. The Mouse King is from the Nutcracker. And we can't forget David Bowie's character from Labyrinth, Jareth the Goblin King. Gnomes seem to have there own royalty too. I discovered Rubezhal, a gnome-like ruler of the mountains. A Germanic folk character, Rubezhal is a healer, can control the weather, and appears to be linked somehow to Wodan. According to Indian/ Hindu tradition, which has influenced the Wiccan/ Pagan/ Witchcraft traditions, Earth elementals (gnomes) are ruled by Gob, the King of Gnomes. This dude rules over these critters underground. There is also a Gnome King in L Frank Baum's Oz books. However, his name is given as Roquat the Red.

Which brings me to Oz. Marvel Comics recently began publishing these books in graphic novel form, and they are very well done. Instead of taking the basic concept of the novels and rewriting it for a mainstream audience, as Langley, Ryerson, and Wolf did for the 1939 film, Shandower and Young have transitioned everything Frank L Baum wrote in the novel to the comic. This is perhaps the truest and closest one will get to the actual Oz without reading the books. The plan is to do all of the original Frank L Baum books. There are 14.

The gnome king rules over the gnome people, underground.  Baum spells gnome phonetically, dropping the G. This character becomes a recurring villain in the land of Oz and appears in Ozma of Oz, the Emerald City of Oz, TikTok of Oz and the Magic of Oz.  The nomes reappear in Rinkitink in Oz, but they are now ruled by a new king, Kaliko. The gnome king also appears in books not written by Baum. These books are Kabumpo in Oz, The Gnome King of Oz (duh), Pirates in Oz, and Handy Mandy in Oz. With all of these appearances, the gnome king became the land of Oz's main recurring villain, even though most would recognize the wicked witches of the first few books.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

roaming gnomes take 2

I've been looking at pages of gnomes lately. Mostly to find stuff for this blog, but also because I'm bored.

I ran into some gnome napping sites. If you don't know what gnome napping is, its basically a variation on an old prank. Stealing a friend's (or non-friend's) semi-precious item and then sending pictures of that item back to them in a variety of different places has been around for a long time. I believe this happened in Calvin and Hobbes. They kidnap Suzy's doll, but she gets Calvin back by kidnapping Hobbes.


Gnome napping is the same premise, but specifically with Gnomes. The idea is one steals someone else's gnome from their property and then travels everywhere with it, sending back pictures of the gnome on vacation. Travelocity picked this idea up and uses a gnome-napped traveler to sell online travel deals. This gnome is probably the most well known, wearing a blue coat, black belt, and pointy red hat.



Other famous depictions of gnome napping include the 2001 film Amelie, starring Amy Tautou. The main character, Amelie, steals her father's gnome and sends it on a worldwide trip with her stewardess friend. It is also a plot device in the 1994 film Threesome starring Lara Flynn Boyle and Alec Baldwin and appears in the 2009 film Up in the Air starring George Clooney.


According to the Christian Science Monitor, gnome napping is not very unusual.   

Dr. Emery, an urban legend specialist (another cool-ass job I want) says stealing gnomes is a trend dating back at least 20 years. UPI published a story of an Illinois woman losing 14 gnomes to theft, and stated that gnome napping in the United States is starting to catch on. The police released a statement labeling this theft a felony... True, stealing is stealing, and illegal, but a felony? Pretty sure theft of property under $300 dollars in Illinois is only a misdemeanor. 14 garden gnomes can not possibly be more than 300 bucks.   
The Christian Science Monitor states that "gnome-napping" can be a serious offense when "gnome-nappers" go "too far".  Apparently there is (no lie) the GGLF, the Garden Gnome Liberation Front, which has "liberated" thousands of gnomes. The GGLF has a website. I looked it up, of course, in the name of research.  

The website pledges to free the gnome from garden enslavement by returning them to "the wild". There are pictures of freed gnomes, mail from disgruntled "oppressors", and calls for boycotts on Scotts Lawn Care (sells lawncare and garden care products), Home Depot (trader in gnome slaves and gardening supplies), Great Britain (for allowing such abuses in gnome rights). They even have an FAQ on how to start a GGLF cell at your local college.... You can put this on the list of things people do when they have a lot of imagination and no hobbies. Its also pretty damn funny.  

This kind of takes all the fun out of the prank of gnome napping. I think, family members and close friends taking things on trips and documenting the experience is amusing and fun. Stealing gnomes from random strangers in the name of liberation and civil rights for "woodland creatures" is silly and also allows the law to overreact with threats of felony, which is also silly, given the circumstance.   

Anyway... here are some websites devoted to this sort of thing:  

Gnomes on the Roam. This site is warm and fuzzy, despite Phil being an Eagles fan.  

Kyoto has a Blog. First hand account of gnome napping... this could lead to kleptomania

There is a Wikipedia entry also.

Monday, July 18, 2011

more comic time: Legend of Bill

I can not believe I haven't seen this online comic before! Legend of Bill is an epic fantasy comic farce. It reminds me of Hagar the Horrible, the Wizard of Id and Dave the Barbarian. The comedy is funny and well done, even if it feels like its been done before. The coolest part of these comics, unlike other cheap barbarian gag strips, is that it tells a story.

Even though bumbling barbarians are hilarious, this post is on a gnome themed blog...

Which is perfect for the Legend of Bill Gnome Syndicate section. Its about gnomes...  spying gnomes. The CIA of gnomes.  I am so excited for this. Cheap gnome jokes with a serialized storyline. Awesome!

The main characters of this side strip are Gnome 12 and Gnome 13. Apparently syndicate gnomes only have numbers, like the MIB. Gnome 12 seems to appear only in the Legend of Bill cartoons, Gnome 13 appears to be the main protagonist of this Gnome Syndicate cross-over. Other characters include Gladys, the Todd, Miss Keebler, Agent Shirley, Kirby, and Chief Perry.

Definitely a cartoon to read and follow.


Update: 
Apparently this comic is in some kind of limbo. The website is down? In progress? Being Built? Anyway, the website is linked above and on the Links Menu. Dave Reddick, the artist/writer, has his website here. but even he links to the same website. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Link me up, Scotty

A few links for you to peruse in your spare time.  I have a lot of this lately.

The first is from a monster database/encyclopedia.  Based off of Wil Hygen's book of gnomes (which I have previously cited on this blog long ago), this account of gnomes is pretty classic.  Also, this doesn't end with just gnomes, the rest of the site is full of cool entries on all sorts of things that go bump in the night including aliens, Godzilla, fairies, and mummies.
http://faerie.monstrous.com/gnomes.htm


Speaking of nerds... this next one is from World of Warcraft, of which I do not play.  I gave up on the franchise after War Craft Three, some things are just too time consuming.  Anyway, this is the WoW (i cant believe i just used that acronym) site's article on gnomes.  It seems that they have confused gnomes for gremlins, or some sort of mechanically inclined dwarf.  Either way, I'm not impressed.
http://www.wowwiki.com/Gnome


I included this website because, well...  why not?  They seem to be passionate about gnomes, just like me.  So, I figure, a little free promotion doesn't hurt.  Although, no one reads my blog anyway.  According to this site, there is a World Wide Gnome Association with a president...  and a queen.  This site is full of links to gnome related material, including poetry, diaries, pictures, biographies, etc.  Not sure how many are dead links, but you can find out for yourself.
http://www.foundus.com/jani/gnomes/welcome.html


This last link is for all the gardeners and outdoorsy types who like to decorate with gnome themed items.
Gnome Town USA (appears to be somewhere in northern New Jersey) sells garden gnomes in three sizes, outdoor furniture, birdhouses, and artificial rocks (I can't imagine why).
http://www.gnometownusa.com

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Drinking does not require any senses

See no Evil, Hear no Evil, Speak no Evil  is a Japanese maxim from the 17th century. Not only is it a symbolic philosophical teaching tool, it is also an example of word play. The idea is a lesson in morality, basically, be of good mind, body, and spirit, do good always, etc, or pessimistically a statement on how ignorance is perceived as bliss. Instead of monkeys, the above cartoon uses gnomes to not only speak to the blissful act of self indulgence, but also to puns and word play.  

By the way, remember Ottmar Hoerl, the German artist? He also did a gnome model of this very same maxim. Check out this and other works here

Friday, June 3, 2011

OH THE HORROR!

So, I was searching the interwebs, as I often do when bored. Sometimes I find interesting things. Today, as I wandered around the internet I found an independent comic site. There are a lot of these on the web. Some are stupid web comics with kindergarten drawings of angry faces, or stick figures with adult content, pretty lame and unfunny. But occasionally I run into good things like Mike Maihack's CowShell graphics, or Peterson and Nicholle's Jesus Christ in the Name of the Gun. Today I found Angry Gnome Comics!

http://angrygnomecomics.com/index.html

Since this blog has a theme, I bet you saw something like this coming.  Although, aside from the name, Angry Gnome Comics has nothing to do with gnomes as far as I can tell.  Horror comics are pretty awesome, and this one seems to have plugged into the horror pulp magazine vibe, especially with their short story collaboration books.  This is refreshing, as it seems like contemporary horror comics are all about zombies, or vampires.

Personally, I like my horror comics to have a sense of humor, like the Goon.

http://thegoon.com/

Monday, May 30, 2011

comic time

The Travelocity Gnome is a cold blooded killer, apparently.  Gnomes dont like to be pushed around. This is from Ryan Paigelow's Buni comic.


Friday, May 20, 2011

Movies: part two

Remakes are all the rage now in Hollywood. Some would even say Hollywood forgot how to make original films. If I were to remake a film, I would definitely pick something that people have forgotten.  Something like... this:

The Gnome Mobile was made in 1967 by Disney. The plot is basically: eccentric rich dude is ostracized and labeled a crazy person for believing in gnomes. His grandchildren, with the help of the actual existing gnomes, help clear his name and save the gnome community at the same time.

This could be remade as a family film with a Fern Gully-like environmental moral... or it could just borrow the title of the movie and book that its adapted from and completely change the entire premise. I'd watch a movie about 50s style greaser gnome gearheads who are persecuted by grumpy old people and rival gangs of gremlins. Either way, it ought to stay a musical.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Comic Time


I dont think I need to write anything regarding this. Its funny.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Movies Part One. Shakespeare?

I tried pretty hard to find who originally said "Shakespeare is eternal".  This phrase seems to be quoted by everyone who has ever taught high school English.  I couldnt find it.  What I did find, though, was a preface to The Norton Shakespeare, 1st edition, by Stephen Greenblatt.  Greenblatt states, "the celebration of Shakespeare's genius has become, over the centuries, an institutionalized rite of civility [. . .] he has himself come to seem like a creating nature: the common bond of humankind, the principle of hope, the symbol of the imagination's power to transcend time-bound beliefs and assumptions, peculiar historical circumstances, and specific artistic conventions".

Greenblatt basically says "Shakespeare is eternal" due to the insights into the human condition through his art.  This is why Shakespeare is just as relevant in 1600 as he is in 2010.  The human condition doesnt really change much.  You may ask why this is important on a blog about Gnomes...  normally nothing, unless you realize that Disney and Miramax made an animated film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet starring GNOMES!



I was a little skeptical about an animated feature clearly aimed at children which is supposed to end in tragedy.
Everyone knows the story: "two households, both alike in dignity" hate each other.  But a son of one house and daughter of the other fall in love, and are ultimately destroyed by their feuding families.  Greenblatt points out in his intro to Romeo and Juliet, that Shakespeare is "dependent on coincidence, mischance, and accident to produce what the Chorus calls the lovers misadventured piteous overthrows".

The film is lovely.  Gnomes are awesome by nature, and the film shows the life of actual lawn gnomes when people are not around.  I believe the term is anthropomorphism.  The story begins to follow Shakespeare, setting up a feud that goes back so far that neither side knows why they fight.  There is a balcony scene, and a duel scene which sees the end of Tybalt.

However, at the point in the story where the coincidence, mischance and accident ought to lead to tragedy, the character of Gnomeo meets the statue of Shakespeare.  It is here that there is a discussion on fate versus free will.  Gnomeo is able to save the day, nearly missing his tragic ending.

Most, I think, would blanch at the thought of a classic story changed for the sake of making money off of child movie-goers.  But I think the message of a happy ending to a love story is just as important as one of dismal failure.  After all, the feuding families have the same reaction in both situations.  The red and blue gnomes realize their hatred is unfounded and jeopardized everything they loved, and the Montagues and Capulets realized that their hatred cost them the lives of their most cherished family members.  Aside from the two lovers dying in each others arms, the story has a happy ending.  everyone decides to get along.  A great sacrifice is given to end uncivil behavior in both stories.  The gnome story, though, has shit blow up.  way cool!

In conclusion, definately worth a watch, especially for Shakespeare people.  You can either watch in disgust as Shakespeare is put through the consumerist ringer, or enjoy an innocent kids movie that transcends human emotion, and time-bound beliefs while lifting up a principle of hope.