Missing Something?

So, the other day, I lost my wallet. It went missing, which is very embarrassing when you're in a situation where you think you have it, like say... after walking into a bar "knowing" you have proper identification, or after sitting through an entire meal at a restaurant ready with cash or a credit card to pay the bill but then you go to whip out your brown leather billfold and all you get is an empty pocket. It times like these that I freak out. Three possibilities could be the reason my wallet is missing...

1. someone picked my pocket

2. I left it in my other pants

3. Sock Gnomes

Now, I know what you're thinking, dont sock gnomes only take interest in socks, hence the name? While socks are the primary fetish for this type of gnome, they have also been known to take undergarments, car keys, cellphones, and even people (Jimmy Hoffa is still missing). So, it would not be a far stretch for sock gnomes to branch out and start theiving wallets.

The clever television show South Park made the sock gnome phenomenon famous with their episode on the underpants gnomes. Underpants apparently are funnier than socks. I beg to differ.

Check these out! Now that's comedy! Sock Creatures! Holy Moly! What

a hobby! I need to learn how to sew. Can you do that with underwear? Heck no. Well, wait... This is a little funny. But other than that, underwear is either sexy, or gross. Pantyraids are fun though (not that I've ever participated in anything like that... that would be irresponsible and childish).

In case you don't know what Sock Gnomes are, let me sum up: according to Dr. Grant McDonald, foremost expert in mythical stocking evanescence, defines Sock Gnomes thusly, "Sock gnomes are mythical creatures that pilfer socks. The loss of which only becomes apparent at the exact instant that one really really needs to find them." McDonald's close associates, Helen and Elizabeth go further to specify that sock gnomes try and take only left socks. This theory has not been proven to be true 100% of the time however. More research is required.

Over on the Arduous Blog, she contemplates the uses for "orphaned socks" left behind by these pilfering little kleptos. The list includes iPod case, quarters pouch, paper towels, sock puppets (see? it IS funny), and she mentions giving them to OneSmallStep. So, of course, I had to know what OneSmallStep was. Apparently it is a Christian Mission that collects "new and used" socks for the less fortunate. Good plan, except used socks are kind of gross. I would suggest donating a few bucks by buying a package of new socks. There is no punchline here, really, kids need to be wearing socks in any weather, but especially in winter.

Why do Sock Gnomes steal socks?

If no one wants used socks (ew), what do they do with a bunch of mismatched socks? I cant see any practical application for a stockpile of stolen socks, aside from some sort of collective weirdo sock fetish, there seems to be no good reason. Maybe they found a way to turn socks into energy, and therefore power their little gnome universe. Doc Brown found a way to power his time machine with garbage. Im sure little bearded men with pointy hats can turn mismatched socks into fuel. This energy plan has become problematic though, it turned their whole society into thieves, relying on human beings for their energy needs. Kind of like how the United States is dependent on the Middle East, Canada, and Argentina for their energy needs. Wow, I found a contemporary real life connection to current events. I'm amazing!

In closing, I did find my wallet, it was in my other pants.

David to the Rescue

I use a picture from Will Huygen's book as the cover for this blog.

In the mid 1980s BRB Internacional aquired the rights to Will Huygen's gnomes and produced David the Gnome, the most important (for obvious reasons) cartoon of its era. First produced for Spanish television in 1985. It ran for 26 episodes, Nickelodeon acquired the syndicated rights and ran the show on the new Nick Jr network in 1987. It also ran on ABC, TLC, Discovery Kids, and Milkshake!

The main characters are David (obviously), a super old (399) doctor gnome. He has a family, a twin brother named Paul, and a best friend who is also a fox named Swift. The plot of show revolves around the patients David treats, defending himself and others from trolls, gnomes natural enemies, and going on treasure hunting adventures.

After two seasons, David the Gnome was followed up with a sequel spinoff called the Wisdom of the Gnomes, and a movie called The Gnomes Great Adventure.

Roaming Gnomes: I Hate Fall Edition

So, its September again.  Of all the seasons, I like winter the least.  Autumn, then, would be my next least favorite, because it is the harbinger of Winter.

I had nothing better to do today than look up "Gnomes" and "Winter" together, and I got the webpage for Mt. Buller in Victoria, Australia. Mt. Buller has a "Gnome Roam" activity for children and Dungeon Masters. This is from their site:

"Come and talk a walk with Mt Buller's little folk! The Mt Buller Gnome Roam takes visitors on a tour of the mystical gnome world of the mountain village where they will catch a glimpse of resident Mt Buller gnomes, learn about their favorite places to play as well as some interesting facts about the gnome way of life". Sounds like something I'd enjoy!

Smurfs and Marxism

1980s cartoons, at this time, are looked fondly on by people my age who used to watch them at a time when Saturday mornings were dominated by kids' programming. There were no channels dedicated to 24 hour cartoon broadcasting. Major networks showed cartoons either after school hours, or between 7am-12pm on Saturdays and Sundays. 

Revisiting these shows now is a terrible idea. The writing and animation were poorly done, rushed throwaway stories more interested in selling merchandise than actually putting out quality stories. However, the premises of these shows were often pretty creative science fiction and fantasy plots. It wasn't all space-age police forces saving the universe, or transgalactic warriors in disguise. Sometimes we got to watch villages of friendly stuffed animals doing good things. I bet you can guess my favorite show from the '80s......

Smurfs, of course, fit right into this blog's theme. Think about it: they are small (3 apples tall), live in the woods, are communal, are all dudes (have you seen a female gnome?), and wear pointy hats. 
Smurfs are very gnome-like. It would not surprise me to learn that gnomes were the inspiration for this property to start with. 

Here are some things I learned while researching smurflore....

1. Smurfs are Belgian. which is like being French, only more manly. The dude who created the smurfs, Peyo, published them as a comic book. This proves again that everything cool comes from comics, like Batman, Opus the Penguin, Transformers, etc...

2. Peyo may have created the smurfs as a social commentary on Marxism. I'll write more about this in a second.

3. Smurfette is not the only female smurf. Apparently there is a second one called Sassette. I had no idea.

Of course, the fact that there is one female (two I guess) in a village of 100 or more men brings up all sorts of questions that are usually asked by perverts and people who think way too much about children's programming. My answer to all that is... you're an idiot. 

First of all, the whole idea behind Smurfette is sexist to start with. She was created in the story by the evil sorcerer Gargamel to mess with the smurfs and bring them misery. Because, you know, what can bring more misery to a group of guys than one needy, annoyng woman?  There is a whole bunch of stuff here for a feminist to go nuts over, like... in order to accept Smurfette, she had to first be physically altered by Papa Smurf from a brunette with a big nose, to a blonde with pleasant facial features including longer eye lashes. 

Second, there are never any new smurfs. They don't seem to procreate, they don't need to, because they seem to never die. And really, it doesn't matter, birth and death are unnecessary to the smurf universe. These things wouldn't further the Marxist theme in any way. 

Speaking of Marxist plots... 

J. Marc Schmidt writes in Socio-Political Themes in Smurfs (an honest-to-God political science essay by some Aussie high school teacher),

"I am not accusing The Smurfs of being some kind of subversive kiddie propaganda - although if it was, would it really be that much worse than the spate of 'toyetic' cartoons of the same decade that only existed to sell plastic toys? In any case, this essay should be seen as the highest kind of praise. What other children's shows would address the issue of Marxism in such a way, and at such a pivotal point in the history of the Cold War? The Smurfs should be praised for using metaphor and the device of the fairy tale to introduce children to political themes. If Peyo was a socialist, however, he was obviously not the sort who had much time for the version of it practiced by the Soviet Union and other Eastern bloc police states. He was a utopian. There is a distinct lack of any kind of army or police in the Smurf Village. On rare occasions when it is necessary, they form their own civilian militia to fight off threats. Otherwise, it is the absolute opposite of the police state".

I think that sums up what I want to get across, without really doing it myself. If you watched the show yourself, you'd know that the smurfs lived in a communal situation, a kibbutz if you will, a hippie commune. Furthermore, everyone has a name followed by the name 'smurf', kind of like the Russian 'comrade' precedes one's name. Everyone in the smurf commune has a job, which defines them. Handy is the handyman, Painter is the artist, Farmer farms and Tailor tailors, Baker bakes, Poet poets and Grouchy grouches. Everyone works for the good of the group, they also all wear the same clothes (makes Tailor's job easy). 

The fact that Peyo made them all male, I think, is more about highlighting the homogeny of the group, rather than any message of gender superiority. Basically, the themes of community, and equality are more important to Peyo than gender representation. Although, later on it appears to be necessary to introduce female characters in order to explore other plots and themes restricted by the lack of diversity. Hence, Peyo created Smurfette. 

The Communist agenda can be best seen through the story of Finance Smurf. This smurf discovers commerce and capitalism (basically) and sets up the first bank of Smurfdom. To sum up... the entire experiment collapses, and the smurfs decide that the greed and misplaced value towards currency is not very smurf-like. Finance Smurf is never seen again.

I found one of those local papers once, you know, one of those underground college-type magazine papers. It wasn't that remarkable. I cant remember what it was called. But there was a comic inside that was awesome. It was three panels long and had some guy walking through the woods. He looks down at his feet and says "ew" he has stepped on dead smurfs. An army jeep rolls up and the guy in the jeep tells him to watch his step. Those smurfs are patriots. They were trained insurgents sent by the government to invade and overturn Papa Smurf's communist regime. This cartoon was so cool, I ripped it out and kept it. But I couldn't find a copy to post here. You'll have to do with my discription. Apparently the fact that Papa Smurf wears red is way too much of a coincidence. He also looks like Karl Marx.

Movie time! Dont Burn the Popcorn, Jerk!

This is absolutely fantastic! My sister, found it for me.

All for me Grog was this cool folk song by the Dubliners, made even cooler by the Leperkhanz. The best part is the band spells their name like its some sort of Star Trek character with a skin disease. They sound pretty good too.

The video is ridiculously perfect for this blog. What else do i have to say? watch it yourself. If you can get past the ugly girl with braces (not to say that all girls with braces are ugly, sometimes girls with braces can be cute) and her awful acting skills, you'll be in for gnothing but gnome gnovelty gnonsense of the greatest kind. Apparently, stop animation and garden gnomes don't mix very well. They are so difficult to direct, always coming to the set stone drunk.

My favorite part is the Fosters Beer plug. Fosters! Australian for Beer! or actually really awful beer. Its the Aussie version of Coors. I would actually rank Fosters between Budweiser and PBR, just a little ahead of Coors. For all of you who are not habitual buyers or consumers of alcoholic beverages, this means that its cheap, tastes awful and gives you a headache tomorrow.

What is a Noggin' Shirt, or Noggin Shoes? and why would someone trade these miserable articles of clothing for beer and cigars? Granted, it is Fosters Beer, but still, I could go to the Salvation Army and pick up better looking clothes. Someone is not a responsible drinker, or a responsible trader, or even a responsible speaker of English. It could be worse, he could be "aksing" me about his noggin' shirt. At least then I'd know he was probably from an urban neighborhood with a poor educational system, and therefore I wouldnt mind his poor language skills. Either that or he was a lumberjack.
If that were true, he could Ax me anything he wanted. Lumberjacks are almost as cool as gnomes; poor grammar and pronunciation aren't even close.

Hippies!

I grew up listening to a lot of what some may call "classic" rock music. Others may define this epic genre as "hippie" music, or "the music my yuppie parents play loud enough to shake the windows". While doing my gnome related research, I came across this:

I want to tell you a story
'Bout a little man if I can.
A gnome named Grimble Gromble.
And little gnomes stay in their homes,
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine.

He wore a scarlet tunic,
A blue-green hood, it looked quite good.
He had a big adventure
Amidst the grass, fresh air at last.
Wining, dining, biding his time...

And then one day...
Hooray, another way for gnomes to say
Ooh my...
Look at the sky, look at the river.
Isn't it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river.
Isn't it good?

Winding, finding places to go.

And then one day
Hooray, another way for gnomes to say
Ooh my ooh my...


These are lyrics to a Pink Floyd song, The Gnome, written by Syd Barret. Now, Syd didnt stay in the band long, and is best known for his epic mental deterioration, mostly due, one would think, to massive drug abuse. The man wrote a creepy song about a gnome, among others. The song itself shows the carefree life of what appears to be a docile house gnome who likes to chill out in his cave with his gnomies and play drinking games.

I dont listen to Pink Floyd so much anymore. Radio has made me disillusioned to this band. I am sick of Comfortably Numb, and Wish You Were Here played on hard rock stations continuously.

I had another thought today... about hippies mostly. Gnomes are a breed of mythological biped that is all about the outdoors and peaceful reverie and relaxing with substances... This is a perfect symbol for commune-living, liberal voting, tofu eating tree huggers. Green Peace should be notified... I've found them a mascot.....

wait wait... no. Travelocity already got there first. Damn.

Proper Gnomenclature

Recently I did some Gnome related research, you know, so when I do this blog thing I dont look like much of a fool . I'll know my stuff now, or most of it anyway, with regards to gnomes. To begin with, I'll just talk about what I thought I knew about gnomes (which wasnt much) and go from there.
Prior to delving into the vast libraries and collected knowledge of gnomes and other gnomelike things I knew basically two things about gnomes. the first: they look an awful lot like men from Pakistan who like to dye their white beards the color of tang.

The second thing I knew about gnomes is that they like to garden, alot. Almost as much as my grandmother. Thats why I always see them on lawns and in flower boxes.

Here are the Gnome Gnowledge Basics:

Gnome is derived from the latin word for knowledge, somehow. Gnosis in Greek means knowledge, and I guess since the Romans liked to steal everything from the Greeks and then put their own twist on it (religion, military formations, art, homosexuality, those helmets with the brushes on top, etc) they took Gnosis and turned it into Gnomus, and then someone in a basement somewhere took that and used Gnome for the name of a little bearded smart ass who hoards treasure, and then gave it damage five with trample. Just kidding.

Gnomes really are part of European folklore. Which, if you ever saw Disney movies as a kid, were mostly all written down by the Brothers Grimm and then promptly sold to Walt Disney. It is interesting to note that in every language in Europe (even the germanic and slavic ones) the word for gnome is basically the same. The places I read from (mostly the Monstropedia... Did you know there was an online encyclopedia for monsters?) describe gnomes as being short (three apples tall) with pointy red hats (like Santa) and can not be out in the sunshine or they turn to stone.

Which brings me to my next point... this blog is kind of silly.

Recently, I remembered this film I watched way back in the day (sometime in the '80s, so basically if you're around my age, that was 'back in the day'). Its called Wizards by Ralph Bakshi. This animated masterpiece was produced in 1977 as a homage to Tolkien's works. The theme and central plot revolves around end of the world holocaust situations and the epic battle by fairy folk led by two polar opposite wizard twins. One wizard is all about the hippie dippie ways of the past (groovy), and the other is all about conquering everything using technology and evil nazi propaganda (not so groovy). Bakshi's animation technique of animating over old stock footage can be kind of annoying (unless you, like Bakshi, are on mind altering chemicals), and confusing. Although, Bakshi did give the world the duality of the character Necron99/Peace (a brainwashed assasin). Now, I know this has nothing to do with Gnomes, specifically, but it is connected to Hippies.  Perhaps someone will go rent this movie and check it out. Did I mention naked fairies?

These are some things I learned from this movie:

1. Never interrupt an Elven funeral, especially when he's burying his horse-chicken-lizard thing
2. Someone is going to kill Fritz
3. Nazi's were ruled by an evil bearded wizard skeletor
4. 16 mm film can last thousands of years and a nuclear holocaust
5. Even fairies can be hookers
6. mutants and demons LOVE disco
7. religion = spanking and pop culture
8. elves love Bruce Lee and John Wayne