Custom Gnomes... Superheroes Edition

I find that people love to be creative, and the mediums to be creative in are pretty limitless.  This of course extends to all hobbies, including garden gnomes.  The most interesting creative things happen when two or more hobbies and mediums cross-over.  In this case, gnomes and comic books make for cool customization.

I would like to present Kris the Papier Boy's How to Guide to Gnome Customization.

Here are a few finished products:

Wolverine

Dynamic Duo?

Devo are kind of like Superheroes

Science!

ANGRY WORDS FROM A GNOME WHO TO THIS DAY CONTINUES TO THINK THE HUMAN GENOME PROJECT WAS ACTUALLY THE HUMAN GNOME PROJECT

By David Ng

It’s hard to believe that 17 years ago the Human Gnome Project formally began. It was quite frankly a great day for all of us gnomes as we thought we had finally gained the attention and respect we deserved as a community. But 17 years later, we as a community are disappointed, angry, full of resentment, and still addicted to nicotine.

To our knowledge, of the roughly $3 billion worth of research funds given to the human gnome initiative, none of it ever actually went to fund “gnome” research. Instead, a sizable portion went to human research, and in an apparent slap in the face to my kindred, significant amounts also went towards research looking at bacterial, yeast, worm, fly, and mouse genetics. Suffice to say, that with the exception of humans, these are all organisms that do not smoke. To say that this has been hard on my community is an understatement of vast proportions. Apart from the soaring lung-cancer rates, I find I am continually aware of other lost opportunities the money could have been used towards.

For instance, for whatever reason, we as a race are forever doomed by our incessant need to wear pointy hats. I hate my stupid hat—loath it with a passion. And yet I have to wear it. We all do. Why this is so has been mystery for many an age. Maybe that’s why I go through 70 grams of tobacco each day. And whilst pointy hats are fine for garden work (one of our main sources of economic recovery), they are hardly advantageous in the current global market—especially when first impressions play a key role. Surely, there is an underlying neurological basis for this behavior—a basis that science could have elucidated.

And what about our facial hair? Believe me, it is not because we are particularly fond of our beards. It’s not even because tobacco pipes look cooler in this context. Our beards just happen to grow at amazingly fast rates! This is not such a huge issue with me and the other male gnomes, but my poor wife actually has to shave every 45 minutes or else deal with social harassment (and trust me, you definitely don’t want to look at her legs or armpits). This is also compounded by the fact that services, like laser hair removal or electrolysis, are just too expensive, especially on a gardener’s income. Ironically, the only gnomes who could possibly afford these high tech solutions are the few who have made it into Hollywood where maintaining the typecast “bearded” look is required anyway. Furthermore, even when a hairless gnome is needed on a movie set (e.g., Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise), we still get passed over because of our goddamn pointy hats! I bet $3 billion could have sorted this problem out a long time ago.

But if there was ever a strong case for gnome research, you only need to look at my poor Uncle Bill. This unlucky bastard of a gnome must have some bladder problem or something, since he is (no exaggeration) urinating constantly. Seriously, I don’t think he’s even had a chance to put his penis away since he started 14 years ago! And the truth of the matter is that this particular problem is relatively rampant in my circles. Most start off fishing, and then they feel the urge and then whammo! It’s like a disease. I don’t think it’s too difficult to appreciate the magnitude of this medical condition. Aside from the psychological pain endured, imagine how uncomfortable it must be to leave it “out” constantly in all manner of weather conditions. I don’t care if you are the gardener type— when it’s cold, it’s cold! Plus, it makes smoking a pipe tricky.

Anyway, I’m not here to preach endlessly about our problems. I just here to say I want a fair piece of the action. If the project is called the Human Gnome Project, then it only makes sense that at least some of the money should go towards gnome research—right?

O.K., I’ve said my piece. I really have to go outside now to smoke my pipe—stupid human nicotine patch, piece-of-crap waste of money …

full article is here....

Its a small world after all....

Look what I found.  

Physics Doesnt Exist, It's all About the Gnomes is an article that explains the universe and everything.  Pretty funny.  I knew reality was too good to be true.  All those conspiracy weirdos are right!  Most articles on the Uncyclopedia are lame, but not this one!

My favorite parts are the explanation of matter...  "occassionally gnomes get so excited they catch on fire.  That's what we call plasma", and ecognomics, which brings up the underpants gnomes.

Clearly a great article to read.  Do it.  Laugh a little.

Gnomes in Foster Care?

This is part two of my old gnome-themed news stories, I guess.

This one is from Australia in 2009. Apparently this old lady died, leaving 1500 "small cement people" homeless. Of course, throwing all of these lawn ornaments into a landfill was inexcusable and there was a rescue organized to place all of these gnomes with enthusiasts. The complete article is linked here.

Not only is the story entertaining, but the people quoted in the story use Australian slang, which is awesome. And judging from this photo, they couldn't just show up and cart the gnomes away... they had to dress up like weirdo gnome cultists.


There are other cool things that this article brings to light.

The first is that there is an Australian Gnome Convention held every year, sponsored by The Rotary Club of the Lower Blue Mountains.

Secondly, there is a Gnome Master.  His name, apparently, is Trevor. He has an email. It's posted on the website. He looks like this -->

I think practical jokes are funny

I came across this today.  I know its from 2008, so it is a bit dated, but still it is pretty funny.

The headline from the SUN is priceless: "Creepy Gnome Back on the Prowl".

Fox News reported on it also, but their headline is as follows:

"Little Person Dressed as Gnome Caught on Video Stalking Streets of Argentina Town"

Basically, from what I gather, a little person in Argentina is dressing up in a pointed hat and scaring the locals so bad that they have to hospitalized. Let me repeat that...  scared the locals so much they had to be hospitalized. I find this incredibly funny. A little person, probably the most unintimidating individual ever, has scared the populace into seeking health care by just walking around dressed like a gnome.

Wee Man never scared people like that. Usually when he tries to scare people, he ends up in the ER.  This dude is pretty awesome. Also, there is something to be said here of superstition, and about how after hundreds of years of growth, advancement, and technology, human beings are still scared of the dark.

Gnome Wedgies? I'm Sold!

Mindlessly roaming the internet is the best way to find random gnome themed stuff. I've found nearly everything for this blog by wasting time on the web. This post is no exception. This time it's a gnome themed board game. The title on it's own is enough to make it an irresistible purchase. Oh Gnome you Don't from Gut Bustin' Games appears as a Candy Land upgrade. Although I've not played it, I'm tempted.

Here is a review from Drake's Flames.  

The review gives a basic idea of what the game is about, although the reviewer is not very accepting of mindless board games. Sometimes mindless, easy games like Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, and Mouse Trap are fun. I'd rather play those than mindlessly wade through the internet. I guess my point is sometimes simple is good.

Folklore and the Wizard of Oz

 I have no idea why I find folklore and mythologies so interesting. I also enjoy drawing things, but I'm not that talented, so I draw simple things, small scale thumbnail stuff for my own enjoyment. For awhile (since perhaps high school literature class) I've found myth family trees to be pretty cool. Recently, I put together an illustrated Greek myth family tree.  And then I did a tree for Norse myth too.  I wont post pictures for two reasons: 1.  I dont think they're very good, and 2. my camera wouldn't do my bad art any justice. (actually I did post pictures)

Anyway, I didn't plan on writing about Mythological family trees. But I felt this was a good segue to explain my affinity for myth and folklore, of which gnomes belong. I wrote a bit about this kind of stuff before. I found some other cool things with regards to the folklore gnome history.

Gnomes, or gnome-like creatures, pop up all over Europe folklore with a variety of names, much like elves and fairies. The Swiss call their gnome people the Barbegazi, which rhymes with fugazi, which I find amusing. Due to the climate of Switzerland, this particular kind of gnome has large hairy snowshoe-like feet that can be used to ski. I picture a hobbit-like thing in a winter climate.  They apparently do not come down from the tree-line very often, and legends surrounding the capture of this creature leads to its death shortly after leaving the mountains.

Apparently folklore is all about assigning royalty to groups of mythical creatures. Oberon, the king of fairies, pops up all over the place, including Shakespeare.  King Brian of the Leprechauns is a character in Darby O Gill books by Kavanaugh. The Mouse King is from the Nutcracker. And we can't forget David Bowie's character from Labyrinth, Jareth the Goblin King. Gnomes seem to have there own royalty too. I discovered Rubezhal, a gnome-like ruler of the mountains. A Germanic folk character, Rubezhal is a healer, can control the weather, and appears to be linked somehow to Wodan. According to Indian/ Hindu tradition, which has influenced the Wiccan/ Pagan/ Witchcraft traditions, Earth elementals (gnomes) are ruled by Gob, the King of Gnomes. This dude rules over these critters underground. There is also a Gnome King in L Frank Baum's Oz books. However, his name is given as Roquat the Red.

Which brings me to Oz. Marvel Comics recently began publishing these books in graphic novel form, and they are very well done. Instead of taking the basic concept of the novels and rewriting it for a mainstream audience, as Langley, Ryerson, and Wolf did for the 1939 film, Shandower and Young have transitioned everything Frank L Baum wrote in the novel to the comic. This is perhaps the truest and closest one will get to the actual Oz without reading the books. The plan is to do all of the original Frank L Baum books. There are 14.

The gnome king rules over the gnome people, underground.  Baum spells gnome phonetically, dropping the G. This character becomes a recurring villain in the land of Oz and appears in Ozma of Oz, the Emerald City of Oz, TikTok of Oz and the Magic of Oz.  The nomes reappear in Rinkitink in Oz, but they are now ruled by a new king, Kaliko. The gnome king also appears in books not written by Baum. These books are Kabumpo in Oz, The Gnome King of Oz (duh), Pirates in Oz, and Handy Mandy in Oz. With all of these appearances, the gnome king became the land of Oz's main recurring villain, even though most would recognize the wicked witches of the first few books.